Why did you do that?!
Knowing why kids do the things they do.
The meaning behind how children behave can be a puzzle. Decoding what they’re really telling us helps children feel listened to and adults feel more capable as parents, teachers or caregivers.
Whether you are faced with a crying child, or one who shouts and storms out of the room, or another who becomes very quiet, the surface behaviour tells only part of the story. Before we react it is important to consider what might be going on below the surface. What are the feelings fuelling the behaviour? Why the intense reaction?
No matter their age, all children have particular challenges. Some children struggle to wait and having to wait requires more self-control for them than a child who finds this easier. They are more likely to become tense and angry when plans are delayed. Other children hate it when someone is angry with them. These children are more likely to get distressed when you tell them off. Yet other children respond to a lot of noise with open distress or withdrawing to a quieter place.
Knowing what your child finds challenging helps you to understand their response, to acknowledge this with them, and then to help them learn how to manage the challenge. Children who feel understood in this way are more likely to calm more quickly and to listen, in turn, to what you have to say.
Asking a child why they’re acting like they are, on the other hand, is likely to lead to increased frustration as children often react automatically and are unaware of why they’re responding the way they are. That is why it is useful for adults who know the child to take an informed guess at what might be going on for them. They’ll soon tell you if you get it wrong! Some people worry that this is telling a child what to feel but in reality it is helping a child feel understood and feeling understood is a basic human need, one that is essential for children to flourish.
So next time a child’s behaviour baffles you, take a few seconds to think about what the child’s behaviour is really telling you. What are they responding to, and why?