Learning how to wait
Children differ greatly in their capacity to wait. Some children are just naturally more patient than others. There are some things, however, that you can do to help your child learn how to manage waiting better including helping them with the anger and uncertainty that having to wait engenders, and building their self-control.
Waiting requires a young child to manage both the anger and disappointment of not getting what they want straight way, as well as the uncertainty about whether they will get what they want, ever. Positive feedback when they put effort into managing their anger and disappointment is much more effective than coming down hard on their outbursts. Children aren’t born with a capacity to deal with strong feelings. This develops over time with a combination of manageable challenges and support from the important adults in their life. Letting a child know you’ve noticed their effort at not exploding when they had to wait to go to the playground while you talked on the phone, lets them know that their effort is appreciated and encouraged them to keep trying.
There is often also an element of anxiety underneath the endless demands. Waiting requires the ability to manage uncertainty. Familiar and predictable patterns reduce the amount of uncertainty children have to manage. This means they are more likely to have the emotional energy to cope when they are faced with uncertainty. For example, something as simple as having a regular bedtime routine provides children with a sense of comfort that they know what to expect.
Waiting requires self-control. Self-control develops as children are more able to cope with their feelings. Setting time aside each day to talk and listen to your child is important. When they know that their feelings and concerns are heard, appreciated and understood, they become less frightened by their strong feelings and less reactive to these because they don’t have to deal with them on their own. Regularly putting your mobile phone away and sitting on the couch with your child and asking how their day has been will build up a sense of your willingness to share in their daily challenges and make them feel listened to and valued. This is very calming for a child, for anyone in fact!
Consistent expectations also help build self-control as they add predictability to their life. Children need to know what the rules are. This helps them feel safe and provides them with guidelines to live up to. And finally, manageably frustrating experiences build self-control. All children will differ as to what is a manageable challenge and what is, as yet, out of their reach. It’s important that children have experiences that are just outside their comfort zone so they can grow in confidence and competence. For example, encouraging a three year old to have a go at dressing themselves, and being ready to help if needed, or giving a six year old time to guess a new word they are reading before leaping in with the answer. Lots of positive feedback when a child puts this effort in will encourage them to push through their feelings of frustration and keep trying. It’s a fine balance – a regular pattern of too much support undermines a child’s sense of pleasure in doing for themselves while not enough support over time runs the risk of crushing their confidence. But the key here is that a single experience of overwhelming frustration, or not enough, isn’t a problem. It’s what makes up the majority of a child’s experience that shapes how they manage the frustration of having to wait.
So if you have a child who finds it hard to wait, try these things – predictable and consistent routines and expectations, just the right amount of help, listening to their feelings, and giving plenty of realistic positive feedback when they make an effort to control their frustration. But remember, things don’t have to be perfect all the time, children also appreciate our, often imperfect, efforts!