Managing conflict - navigating disagreements
Managing conflict is a lifelong skill. Being good at this skill helps us to manage social situations when different needs clash, to cope with the unexpected, and to feel confident in our ability to manage whatever we encounter. The particular types of conflict might vary over a lifespan but the essential needs remain the same – coping with strong emotions – our own and those of others, communicating clearly, and learning to see the bigger picture.
Right from a really young age we have to cope with disagreements. Two year olds have to deal with the conflict between what they want and the limits their parents put on them. Their major task is learning how to cope with strong emotions as their communication is still limited and their ability to look at things from different perspectives is non-existent. Therefore toddlers need a combination of clear limits and the calm presence of an adult who understands how hard it is for them to manage the strong feelings that not getting their own way brings up. A combination of ignoring the initial protest then redirecting their attention helps for many children. Some children become distressed (fearful) after their initial anger and need a cuddle.
Four year olds in preschool environments come up against clashes of needs and wishes all the time, whether it’s dealing with the kid who pushes in when they’re lined up for the slide, or negotiating who gets the favourite toy or to choose the next game. Managing big feelings and communicating clearly are the skills children this age are learning to master.
Preschoolers need encouragement to say what they are upset about and to learn to communicate this in appropriate ways. They, like toddlers, need help at times to calm in the face of not everything going their way. On top of this there are the added expectations of sharing, taking turns, and learning to negotiate appropriately
Primary aged children have to navigate increasingly complex relationships on a daily basis, particularly at school. Threats of exclusion from friend groups, not being chosen for activities, and verbal taunts are common place. By the time children are 6 years old they are often just beginning to be more able to see their own point of view and those of others at the same time. This is, however, very much a work in progress and they will need help to work through the minefield of conflicting needs.
Children this age need encouragement to both communicate their own needs and recognise that others have needs to. Learning this is a very big step towards being able to negotiate conflict.
Life gets even more complicated for teenagers. Teens are very sensitive to judgement from their peers as their awareness of social cues grows and their need to find a sense of belonging with their peers intensifies. At the same time their peers are more likely to provide unfiltered feedback, heightening the chances of emotional wounding and conflict. On top of this, parents’ and other adults’ expectations often clash with the pressures from their peers.
Teenagers must navigate intensified emotions (their own and their friends’) and yet seeing things from a range of perspectives and communicating clearly is more difficult when flooded with emotion. Calming their emotional turmoil, therefore, is essential before a teen’s capacity to engage in thoughtful discussions can come back online. This can take some time. The 80% listening, 20% talking rule is a good guide for adults dealing with a distressed teen. Feeling listened to and understood helps all of us calm, and even more so the judgement sensitive teen.
As adults, the principles remain the same for managing conflict. First calm ourselves, then communicate clearly, taking into account others’ perspectives alongside our own. Managing conflict requires us to negotiate other people’s emotions, often when we are feeling some pretty strong emotions of our own. Think of the last argument you had over politics or religion. This underlines the importance of being able to calm ourselves in the face of provocation (which will be the subject of a future blog). For now, try prioritising calming yourself before working through disagreements. A clear head is important in order to be able to communicate effectively and to see the whole picture.