Calming the storm - easing emotional distress

Being able to calm themselves when frightened, angry or sad is possibly the most important stress management skill children can develop. I call this ‘flood management’ as emotions flood the brain and stop children (and us) being able to think clearly. Below are some ways you can prevent frequent ‘floods’ and some thing you can do when you find yourself knee deep in your own or your child’s emotional deluge. All the ideas are aimed at helping children but can also be applied to adults.

Preventing the flooding – creating the stop banks

There are a number of ways that you can build up your children’s capacity to calm themselves quickly, or even better, to stay calm. Even so, some children are far more likely to melt down or explode as strong (and for them, unexplainable) feelings surge through them. A six year old faced with falling behind their peers with their reading, needs to be able to persevere in the face of uncertainty and self-doubts. An eight year old who isn’t passed the ball in a game of soccer needs to continue playing the game despite their disappointment or frustration at not being included. A thirteen year old who is told she can’t go to the mall with her friends must compose herself quickly enough not to lose all internet privileges for a week. (Just a note, as with all my blogs, all examples are fictional.)

Particular skills which are useful for children to practice include noticing and naming their feelings, expressing these in socially acceptable ways, and learning to emotionally pace themselves. 

Encouraging kids to notice and name their feelings usually begins with an adult noticing and naming on the child’s behalf. This often starts in babyhood but for older children who still struggle with this, the same process can be applied. For example, responding to a red faced six year old who looks like he wants to punch someone with “you’re really angry” helps the child recognise their experience and is part way to working out what to do about it.

Keep your feedback to as few words as possible. A small sentence is easier to digest for a distressed child. When children get out of control it tends to be when they’re just reacting without recognising how they are feeling. Helping a child recognise what they’re feeling can slow down the reactivity long enough to give you a chance to diffuse the situation. Some parents can be worried that by identifying their child’s emotion for them they are telling their child how to feel. Children will quickly tell you if your guess is wrong as long as they are encouraged to speak openly and honestly. Generally speaking, it is better to guess wrong than to avoid helping your child learn how to talk about their emotional experience. Consider it the beginning of a conversation rather than a one way teaching moment.

Expressing their feelings in appropriate ways is extremely important for children to learn. This usually starts in the preschool years but becomes more critical as expectations of children increase through the primary school years. Socially acceptable expression of feelings varies from culture to culture. What is important is that your children learn the ways that are acceptable within their own culture.

Encouraging physical activity allows for regular tension release that helps children relax.  Daily physical activity provides a tension release for young and old alike. It is particularly important, however, for young children who experience their emotions very strongly through their bodies. Physical exercise allows for the body that has been prepared to either fight or run away from a threat (whether it’s physical or social, the body reacts the same way) to release the tension and return to a relaxed state. This speeds up the calming process. Any repetitive physical movement such as swinging can do this. There is a reason why we instinctively rock a baby. It calms their nervous system. Providing a stressed child with regular access to a swing can significantly decrease the amount of time it takes them to calm after becoming distressed.

Reducing the flooding – easing the deluge

There will be times, despite your best efforts, and your child’s, that everything goes pear shaped. During those times physical activity, especially repetitive physical movement, remains useful as does something called “time in”. Time in is a term coined by Daniel Siegel, an American psychiatrist. It is about creating a space within sight of you for a child to calm within eg. a bean bag in a corner with some comforting toys. It works like this - when a child, inevitably, has the odd melt-down, recognise the wider context and provide them with reassurance. If they clearly need some time to calm down encourage them to take some time in the “calm zone’ you have created. Time in is not about punishing but about helping a child learn how to calm when they’re upset. Once a child is calmer, and only once, talking with them about their feelings will help them make sense of their reactions and link their behaviour with their internal response.

This works by calming the emotionally reactive part of the brain and opening up access to the reflective or thinking part of a child’s brain. Once they are calm they are in a better position to be able to think about what happened and how they can do things differently. If you try to have this kind of conversation with a child who is still feeling very strongly it’s likely you’ll both just end up feeling more frustrated. They are not yet capable of taking a mental step back. The principle is first to mop up the emotional flooding then survey and repair the damage (to relationships, reputations etc). Over time this experience of being able to calm themselves becomes more second nature and leads to less reactivity and quicker recovery from distress. Helping children learn how to calm themselves will, in turn, prepare them to cope with the inevitable ups and down of everyday life.

To sum up, here is a quick checklist of pointers for helping children learn to how to stay calm for longer and to calm themselves more quickly when they do get upset.

1.      Encourage children to notice and name their feelings.

2.      Teach them to express their feelings in appropriate ways

3.      Keep your feedback to as few words as possible.

4.      Encourage physical activity as a tension release and to calm the brain.

5.      Use ‘time in’ to reduce emotional ‘flooding’.