Coping with Strong Feelings - Anxiety: an Introduction
Key points:
We are all born with different temperaments.
Cultivating a sense of security reduces anxiety.
Experiences that increase security and reduce anxiety include physical reassurance, reconnection after conflict, and just the right amount of challenge.
Anxiety is such a common experience. Whether we see it in a 5 year old starting school, a child going to school camp for the first time or a teenager having to speak in front of the class, it is natural part of life. Adults are not immune either. Starting a new job, giving a presentation, or worrying about your children., all of these are common, everyday anxiety provoking experiences. In this series of blogs, over the next few weeks, I’ll look at how we can both lessen anxiety in ourselves and others, and build the capacity to manage when we do, inevitably, feel anxious at times. I have decided to spend some time on this topic as anxiety is an experience that is so widespread I believe it needs time to think about.
Anxiety can range from slight nervousness which can be a mix of uncertainty and excitement to full blown panic. The stronger it is, the more unpleasant it is. While most people experience anxiety in response to specific challenges there are many people who feel anxious all the time. This is an extremely unpleasant experience but one that seems to be increasingly common. My aim in writing this series of blogs is to provide some ideas around how to reduce this relentless anxiety in particular but also to address how to manage the more usual responses to stressful events.
Anxiety is very physical. It involves the body in all kinds of ways, from muscle tension, to nausea to a foggy brain. But underneath all these physical symptoms lies a sense of uncertainty. Uncertainty that we can cope, that we will be good enough or seen as good enough, that we can actually do and be what we are expected to be, that the next challenge may be too much for us, that we might collapse or make a fool of ourselves. all of these experiences create anxiety. To manage this requires a sense of security, a sense that we will be able manage whatever comes our way.
We are all born with different temperaments. Some babies startle more easily, seem more aware of what is going on around them or more difficult to soothe from the day they are born. Others seem more relaxed, unfazed by anything happening around them. There are things, however, that can support children to develop a sense of security which will act as a buffer to stress throughout their lives. It won’t eliminate anxiety altogether but it will help to build a sense of confidence in themselves and a sense of being supported when they need it.
Security can build up in different ways as children grow. The following is a very brief outline of ways we can build security and lessen anxiety for children at various stages in their lives. There are some fundamental needs at different ages but, that said, often the needs of older children under stress are more in line with those of younger children.
The needs of babies are often very physical. Being held and soothed promotes healthy development of a young baby’s nervous system. This results in less extreme reactions to stress and an ability to calm more quickly and easily when distressed, fostering a sense of safety.
Fear of their own anger and fear of being all alone are two very basic fears for toddlers but often also for older children. Your survival of their grumpy, oppositional, and thoroughly disagreeable moments and your willingness to reconnect with them despite all of these, allows children to feel secure enough to face the challenges that will inevitably come their way.
Growing confidence in their own abilities builds confidence in school aged children. A lack of self-confidence can show up as being unwilling to try new ways of learning, for example, a new way of approaching a maths problem. Or it may reduce their curiosity to explore new subjects or topics. Some children only want to learn more about topics they already know a lot about as this feels safer than facing not knowing much about a subject. School aged children need challenges that are just beyond their current capacity to develop their self-confidence.
The conflict between acceptance and being their own person, and independence and ongoing dependency needs, underpin many of the fundamental struggles during the teenage years which create uncertainty and can lead to anxiety. Parenting teens requires a balance between involvement and allowing independence. It lies somewhere between being completely disengaged and being unbearably intrusive, between not knowing what is going on in your teen’s life and micromanaging their time and interests. They need a chance to make some of their own decisions and mistakes while knowing that you still take an interest in their welfare. Making their own decisions and mistakes will provide them with experience of managing hurt and disappointment as well as the experience of genuine pride and confidence when they succeed. They will also learn where their limits lie, through this developing a realistic view of their own capacities.
However, the needs I’ve outlined above for different age groups are not always as sharply defined as the above very brief summaries would lead you to believe. At any time, especially under stress, an older child, teenager or even adult, can need the physical reassurance that babies need, the reassurance that you still love them after a fight that’s reminiscent of toddler-hood, or help to reduce the challenges they face to just beyond their current capacities like it is for a primary aged child. We also continue to struggle throughout our lives between doing what’s expected of us and being our own person, just like teenagers. Therefore, as well as building stress tolerance in children and teens these provide guides to how to help a person, of any age, experiencing anxiety.