Coping with Strong Feelings - Anger
Key points:
Anger has a self-protective function - assertion.
Understanding the context of a child’s anger is important.
Teach safe ways to express anger.
Losing control is the problem, not the anger.
Coping with children’s anger can be very difficult for parents. Anger does, however, have a self-protective function. It motivates us to stand up for ourselves and not allow others to hurt us. Self-assertion is an important skill to learn.
As children grow they need to learn when to push themselves and their needs and wants forward and when to allow others to do the same. Without the ability to direct their anger in positive directions it can become a destructive force that undermines both their relationships and their sense self-worth.
To support children with their anger the first step is to work out what they are really angry about. The child who crumples into a heap on the floor when they can’t have the large ice cream they were insisting on, is not necessarily just responding to the current situation. It is important to consider the context of behaviour. What else is going on for this child at the moment?
Next, identify the problem and whose it is. Did you promise them a large ice-cream then retract your offer, have you just had an argument with your partner in the car, with the child in the back, listening in, or is it simply the end of a long, hot day and they’re tired?
Feeling angry in response to disappointment isn’t the problem, losing control is. What is an acceptable way for your child to tell you that they are disappointed? This will vary from family to family. The important thing is that your child knows how they can voice their feelings in an appropriate way. For example, by simply telling you that they really wanted that extra-large ice cream. Then having you recognise the depth of their disappointment with a cuddle and “I know you’re really disappointed.” Recognising, and sharing, how it feels for them will go a long way toward helping them manage their intense feelings. If this is difficult for you, try to remember a time when you’ve felt intensely disappointed and how hard it was to let this go. It might be when you thought you were going to get a great opportunity at work only to find out someone else was chosen for the role, or when the power went out during your favourite TV show (in the days before ‘on demand’). You don’t need to talk about your own disappointments, just remembering what it felt like will help you join with your child rather than battle for control.
How do you move your child on? Having their feelings recognised and accepted will often be all that is needed but sometimes children need help to refocus their attention. Drawing their attention to what is happening next, with a focus on what will interest them can help them develop the capacity to redirect themselves. For example, next we’re going to pick up your sister from school and then we’ll go to the playground. If they’re not convinced by your efforts to redirect them, go back to the last step, give them a cuddle and listen to how it is for them, then let them know that it’s time to get on with whatever is planned next.
Staying calm and matter of fact during this process will help your child recognise the ugly truth of the matter – they can’t always get their own way – and to find a way to redirect themselves. Some children are less tolerant of adult redirection, viewing this as a trap, and will respond better to the calm presence of an adult in charge while they struggle to figure this out for themselves. Either way, anger becomes just one part of your child’s experience, something that comes and goes, without lasting damage.