Coping with strong feelings - Disappointment

David, thirteen months old, has just begun to walk. The world is an exciting place full of new discoveries. As he toddles about he glances back at his Mum from time to time, especially when approaching something new. His Mum’s smiles encourage him to explore further. Then David reaches for the remote control and all of a sudden his blissful exploring collapses as his Mum calls out “no”. David looks puzzled then picks up the remote again, and is faced with a look of disapproval from his previously smiling mother. He bursts into tears as he doesn’t like this new version of his wonderful Mum. Then she sweeps him up, gives him a cuddle and redirects him to the toy box. Life is back on track and David, happy again, sets about finding interesting things in the box.

From about the age of ten to twelve months babies’ brains are developed enough to not only cope with the heightened stress of limit setting and the associated disappointment, but actually need some of these experiences in order to develop greater ability to manage their emotions. This, however, needs to come on the back of repeated experiences of having their emotional cues understood and responded to. Without the resulting sense of deep connection and a basic sense of being okay just as they are, children will not be ready to learn how to do what others tell them to, or to share or to take turns, or the many other skills they need to learn as they grow.

Feeling understood and accepted places a toddler in the best position to face the unpalatable truth that they’re not always going to get their own way. It’s important to remember that this comes as a shock to a young child and so any limit setting needs to be done with sensitivity and understanding. At the same time it is critical to set limits on a toddler’s behaviour so that they learn what is and isn’t acceptable. Over time this guidance is taken in by a child and becomes a core part of their understanding of the world, part of an internal map that guides them throughout their life.

Learning about social expectations builds on a sense of security, to provide direction and guidance. Knowing what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour is important for self-confidence and the ability to adapt to changes in their environment, and for learning to manage interactions with both peers and authority figures.

Cortisol, the stress hormone, released in manageable amounts, promotes growth in the brain that allows the toddler to gradually become more able to assess the relative risks and rewards of snatching the toy off their sister or of having a full on screaming fit on the floor of the supermarket. As most parents of a two year old will attest to this is truly a work in progress.

A manageable amount is determined by a number of factors including context, such as tiredness, and individual temperament. The general rule of thumb is to stay aware that having their plans foiled is a difficult experience for a child. They need help managing the strong emotions that arise. Initially this is likely to be surprise, followed quickly by outrage, and then hurt that you are not appreciating things from their point of view. The remote really did make a great splash when they dropped it in the fish-tank.

All of these feelings are then often replaced with fear. This is because young children fear the gulf between you and them that disappointing you creates. They need and love you, and to have disappointed you and have you angry with them often feels devastating. Reconnecting after a ‘disagreement’ is therefore essential. This can be as simple as a cuddle which prevents a child from getting stuck in overwhelming feelings, including a sense of not being good enough.

Without this reconnection a young child’s cortisol levels remain high and they can become stuck in a mass of intense feelings. They may also be more alert to further experiences of stress, reacting more quickly and intensely than other children their age. Staying calm yourself reduces the chances of a toddler becoming overwhelmed by your emotions on top of their own. Over time this will help toddlers learn to calm themselves.

This is not the same as giving into their demands. Consistent expectations are also important. These help children learn how to manage disappointment and to bounce back from this. A sensitive response involves recognising where the child is coming from while still doing what you said you would. These kinds of experiences set the stage for the ability to manage conflict in productive ways in the future. The ability to express displeasure and to try to change something that we don’t like and then to reconnect with those who are important to us are essential skills for the development and maintenance of healthy relationships.

So what to do if your older child continues to collapse in tears or to explode with anger when you tell them they can’t do something? The same principles apply. Keep your expectations of your child as consistent as possible, recognise the depth of their feelings, reward their efforts at managing these (recognition and praise are usually enough), and remember to reconnect after an argument. Staying attuned to your child’s perspective is the most critical element and stops you from either becoming overwhelmed, withdrawing from or enraged by your child’s intense emotional reactions. Learning to manage disappointment, to control how they express their feelings and to reconnect after a disagreement are important, but difficult, skills that children, and adults, of all ages continue to need to learn.

Try to remember when you were looking forward excitedly to getting something, maybe a new job, a trip or even a new pair of shoes, and how devastating it was when you discovered the job had been given to someone else, the trip was cancelled because your partner became ill, or the last pair of the shoes for had been sold by the time you had saved enough to buy them. Children experience the same kind of disappointment when their ice cream falls to the ground, or you tell them they can’t play on the playground, or that they have to stop playing their favourite computer game. Some children need space to come to terms with their disappointment while others need support and reassurance. Knowing how your child responds to disappointment and what they need to manage it are the keys to actively supporting your child to learn how to deal with the limits that life and other people impose on them.

If, however, you find yourself stuck in a pattern of conflict every time you try to put in a limit with your child or things don’t go how they’d hoped, contacting a therapist like myself can be helpful, especially if these patterns have developed over the course of a few years and have become a consistent, but stressful, way of interacting with one another. Together we can identify the underlying patterns and what is maintaining these patterns before putting a plan together to help you and your child move beyond the constant conflict.

Examples used in this and all other blogs on this website are entirely fictional.