Boosting self confidence

Boosting self-confidence

1.      Build in achievable tasks

2.      Break things down into manageable chunks

3.      Take time out

Jack (9) has just stormed off to his room after yet another battle with his Dad over homework. Jack had been struggling with a maths problem and his Dad had stepped in to help, only to be rounded on by Jack who experienced his Dad’s support as evidence that he isn’t good enough to do it on his own. Jack’s lack of confidence in his own ability makes it hard for him to accept help without feeling inferior. He doesn’t see learning as a process of gradually moving beyond what he already knows, but instead believes if he doesn’t know something already that this is because he’s not as good as other kids.

Learning to tolerate the uncertainty of not yet knowing something is Jack’s challenge. To support this build in plenty of experiences that Jack already knows how to manage, such as some easy maths problems surrounding the more difficult ones, and advanced warning that some of the problems could be a bit tricky and that he can ask for help when he gets to these ones. This approach adds an element of control for Jack while giving him enough experience of success to build his confidence and increase his capacity to struggle with something new.

Rachel (14) is worrying about having to do a speech in front of her class. She’s terrified of being laughed at and is starting to become quite distressed.

Her Mum sits down with her and listens to Rachel’s concerns. She’s careful not to jump in too quickly with solutions instead spending time helping Rachel calm herself. She then helps Rachel break down the goal into manageable tasks, getting Rachel to report back to her after she has completed each task or if she comes up against a roadblock. In this way Rachel’s mum lends her daughter some of her own calming and coping capacities, until Rachel is in a space to take this over herself.

Mark (15) does well at everything he attempts but he is never satisfied. Instead, his success just seems to fuel a greater need to prove himself. He fills his life with activities and is often exhausted but struggles to fall asleep at night as all the thoughts and feelings he avoids during the day flood in. In short, Mark has become a “human doing’ rather than a “human being”. When he is alone he either feels empty or his mind is full of cycling thoughts. As a result he relies on his phone to distract him from these unpleasant experiences.

Learning to enjoy “down time” will be Mark’s challenge, time that is non goal directed within which he can allow himself to experience his thoughts and feelings as they come and go. This apparently simple process is needed for Mark to build the self-understanding that underpins positive self-worth.

All of these very common examples reflect a lack of self-confidence, at least in particular areas of their lives. Most of us have ‘soft spots’, areas where we doubt our own ability. Some key points for boosting our own or our children’s self-confidence when we have these doubts include returning to doing things that are achievable then from this base trying something more difficult, breaking large tasks down into small chunks, and having some unpressured time to relax and clear our minds before tackling another challenge.

Building in achievable tasks reminds us we do know something, are capable and able to learn stuff. Breaking things down into manageable chunks stops us feeling overwhelmed by what the amount we need to do. And taking time out from pushing ourselves to achieve things gives us a chance to recharge, and be ready for the next challenge. All of these things help us build our (or someone else’s) confidence to meet the challenges we are facing, whether these are school assignments, work expectations, or adapting to different situations.